how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
operation have a gay friend backfired
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
