his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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