I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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