You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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