my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
