If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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