Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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