I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
