I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
