Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
