$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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