I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
