We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
