i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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