My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize