do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
