Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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