my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
