She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
