You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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