I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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