That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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