Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
