I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
