So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
