I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
