M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
