i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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