Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
