did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
