Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
