Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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