The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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