i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
