Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize