just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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