So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
