We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just found puke in my bra..
Green mimosas i think yes
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
