i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
