that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
