saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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