yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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