he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
