wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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