I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
