If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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