I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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