May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
