420 ftw
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
