My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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