Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
