I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
