I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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