i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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