Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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