i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize