you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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