If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
