I'm sorry my penis didn't work
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
