Plan B is the new Plan A
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
