Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I could make wine with my vomit
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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